30 January 2014

Nothing is permanent...

My first and foremost reason for starting my blog was to document my journey with Ulcerative Colitis. Not only have I been blogging about the highs but today I shall be blogging about the lows. Today is going down as a bad day. Those with Crohn's, Colitis, IBD or any other illness will know that there are 'down days'. My health is no better or worse than it has been currently. Which in some respects is a good thing. So why the bad day?

I'm feeling sad, even thrown in a little tear or two. Which is rare as I am so often a happy and excitable person. I'm never unhappy for long as I tend to get fed up of sulking ha! Why am I sad? Because I am fed up. I'm now fed up of being unwell, it's only getting harder with time.
I'm frustrated at such little progress that's being made. I've now been poorly for 4 years and it doesn't get any easier. I keep telling myself to 'hang on in there' and that a cure is hopefully forever one day closer. People are still so unaware of these illnesses, unaware of the real desperation some feel. It effects what you eat, how you sleep and how you interact with people. There is never an off switch no matter how hard you try.
I am playing my part in trying to raise awareness, to stand up and hope people hear my plea. My hopes for the future are to get funding, to enhance the rate of research so that one day 'one day' so many of those who suffer will no longer need to suffer any more.

Of course I still find the days where I laugh and smile but it's getting hard. Ulcertive Colitis, Crohn's Disease, IBD never go away, there are times (for the lucky ones) when symptoms maybe ease but it is always at the back of your mind. I still don't think it has sunk in yet that I have a 'life long condition'. I often find myself thinking 'why me' it's so unfair, as it is not down to my own actions as to why I'm ill. I haven't drank in excess, I'm not a smoker, I've never done drugs but yet I'm lumbered with this life long illness. I'm simply waiting for the day my life will go back to 'normal'. I know that won't happen, not anytime soon but I continue to hope.

Over the last few months I have isolated myself from work, friends and family. I miss my social life and feel like friends are simply 'putting up' with me. It's hard to always turn down invitations because you are tired or in pain or just unable to attend.

I'm morning the loss of my care free existence. I keep thinking how unfair it is. There are illnesses that allow you to get on with your life as close to 'normal' as before. With Ulcerative Colitis this is impossible, it takes over and effects every part of your entire life. It is so hard not to let it become 'who you are'. I know how I'm currently feeling won't last, but I feel it important to document that the road with a life long illness is tough.

When I first started my blog I was feeling really low and hopeless. Things have very much improved since then, my condition is 'stable' and the support I get is GREAT! Today is simply going down as a 'bad day'.


22 January 2014

Find your meaning...


What does this little purple ribbon mean to you?

The humble purple ribbon has, over time come to represent and raise awareness of many different causes. Some of these are Alzheimer's Disease, Epilepsy, Lupus and Domestic Violence to name but a few. I however, would like to bring to your attention that for many whom are tackling an illness on a daily basis this humble purple ribbon has come to represent the struggle some face with
Ulcerative Colitis and Crohn's Disease.

Never known what this purple ribbon represents? I am not ashamed to say that until not so long ago I too was totally unaware of its meaning. Maybe it is something I should have known, or maybe there should be more awareness or perhaps we need to shout it from the rooftops. Show everyone what this purple ribbon represents. 

"It's more than a ribbon, it's a movement."
- IBD and Ostomy Awareness.

This ribbon has come to mean a lot more than just representing Ulcerative Colitis and Crohn's Disease. It is anything but a humble purple ribbon. For me, having lived for a few years with Ulcerative Colitis it has a vast meaning. Some who have it or know a loved one tackling these illnesses may feel this ribbon for them represents sadness, loss, despair, pain, suffering, anxiety or depression. I can relate, I have been through many of these emotions myself. Chronic illness is a hard thing to deal with. Seeing others in pain and not being able to comfort them must be so hard.... 

I also see another side of this ribbon, I see it represents a community that is filled with strong, courageous people. The kind of people who's legacy others talk about. Through the illness I have found strength, bravery and determination. I am filled with hope, happiness and love. A new start, a new chapter and unity. 
I see UNITY. x

Tell a friend, a relative, tell the people in your school or workplace. 
"Do you know what the purple ribbon represents?" Start conversations, spark debate. Jump up and down screaming and shouting, just get the word out there!

Wonder Woman I am not..

As some of you may or may not have noticed I have recently celebrated my 26th birthday. Wahey!! So full up on birthday cheer I thought I would be clever and stuff myself with a pizza from well known pizza franchise. Nom nom.

Having Ulcerative Colitis and knowing I should avoid doughy pizza I ordered one anyway!!
I knew it would not end well, but I ate it regardless because I was determined to have a good time. I had convinced myself that as it was my birthday I was some kind of super hero.

Wonder Woman I am not...

Today I am in pain and I feel horrible. I don't fully regret it because it was totally yummy, but is it fair to have this pain simply because I pigged out on pizza?! I was aware it was one of my 'trigger' foods (one that makes my Ulcerative Colitis worse) but gluten free pizza is just not the same. Therefor it was a treat.

I, like I'm sure others of you... have become pretty good at hiding when I'm not feeling great. I don't bother grumbling to family members any more because I feel like they have heard enough. This evening I could no longer stifle a happy smile as the only way I could make myself feel better was to double up in half and shuffle around the house like a plonker.
It's back to bed for me to rest and chill out! Good thing I never went on an all night drinking session then isn't it?

Sometimes I feel like I simply want to curl up and hide! Like this guy ....




21 January 2014

Fergie the cat

Some of you have asked to see a little more about my best friend Fergie (the cat) so I thought I would create a little post all about her. In all honesty it is refreshing to create a post that is about someone else rather than myself for a change ha!

Here she is... my best friend! Fergie doesn't care less that I run back and forth from the bathroom all day because of my Ulcerative Colitis. She is always around for cuddles when I'm in pain. She shows no interest in my emotional breakdown or when my blood boils cause I am having a bad day and can't get myself together. She doesn't care that I spend way more time at home than I should.
She is simply there for me. She makes me laugh, smile and is a reminder that life is precious. 

You can have all the luxury's in the world but you will never truly know life until you find a best friend!

A couple of the basics:

Fergie is a little over 6 years old.
The name came about as names were placed in a hat and my first choice was drawn. I guess shes lucky as my alternative was Tequila Haha.
A 'Tortoiseshell' which means she is white, black and brown. Don't ask me why it is called tortoiseshell, I don't think she looks much like a tortoise but hey!
She has lived in our house since she was a couple of weeks old and arrived in a cardboard box.
She is both an indoor and outdoor cat.
Lastly I should mention she is on a diet!

As I type she is snuggled up on her purple spotted bed with one eye open watching my fingers type thinking 'what is she up to'.

She sleeps curled up in her bed at the bottom left corner of my bed (I knew there was a reason I bought a double bed, I think it was to have more space... not to share it with a cat but there you go)

She wakes me up super early like 6 am sometimes we have a lay in until
8 am for breakfast and some fresh air. Anyone who does not own a cat will think we are crazy but ignoring a hungry cat is impossible. Fergie will pull on the bed sheets or stand on my head and if all that fails she walks on my dresser and knocks everything over.After a bit of play its usually back to bed for hours of sleep then she reawakens around 5 pm for a cheeky prowl around the neighborhood. Well really she only goes for a nose around the local gardens before returning to the comfort/ safety of her own home.
Time for another playtime, clears a bowl of food then runs up to bed before me around 10 pm. Where she will stay, snuggled up and snoring until 6 am the next morning!

Favourite place in the house - The upstairs window sill watching the world go by.
Favourite past time - Snoring! Yes my cat snores.
Favourite toys - Cardboard boxes, cotton buds/Q-tips, my legs if shes feeling cheeky?
Peculiar habits - Likes to be dried with paper towels when she comes in from the rain. I think it saves her hours of grooming ha.
Dislikes - Not too fussy on being brushed and avoids all visitors at all cost.

Attributions - Grumpy, cheeky, playful, loving.
She has her own ground rules, she chooses when she wants affection. Not a lap cat, shes too independent for that. A little grumpy.

If anyone owns a cat you will know there are instances when they break stuff or behave mischievously and get on your nerves but you only have to glance at them sleeping and you melt. Did I think you could get so attached to a cat? No. Am I that attached to my cat? YES!
All sins forgotten :D

Please leave your thoughts/ feelings in the comment box bellow. I love hearing your feedback!


15 January 2014

Thoughts of a new blogger...

I have now been blogging for a couple of weeks, which I feel is the perfect time to express how I have taken to blogging. Here are my thoughts as a new blogger..

Why I started my blog - In all honesty I had never considered starting a blog, for the simple reason I didn't think I had a topic to cover. There are sooo many fashion and beauty blogs out there that I felt the world wouldn't need yet another one.

My inspiration came from a wonderful guy named Michael Wyatt (huge props to him woohoo!). Michael started his own blog to document his recovery after surgery for Ulcerative Colitis - http://ibdsurvivor.blogspot.co.uk. He posted on a forum for those suffering with Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis about his new blog and I thought he was really brave. Up until then I had kept most of my thoughts and feelings about my own journey with Ulcerative Colitis to myself. Seeing Michael speaking/ sharing his journey so openly and in such an honest way inspired me to start blogging about my own very different journey with the illness.


So here we are 'Colitis and ME'.
What I thought it would be like - To be honest I hadn't given it too much thought, I sort of just 'went for it'! I am making it up as I go. Hmm maybe I should really have given this a bit more thought haha.

How have I found it? - As a whole, I am really enjoying myself! I find the writing pretty easy, I tend to just woffle on anyway and can talk for hours. What I am finding more tricky is trying to figure out what all the features of Blogger and Google+ do. Though I feel I am getting better with time.
The feedback and support I have had has been wonderful. I have found such a huge support network with the Corhn's, Colitis and IBD members. Though I am conscious about the wider audience that I hope I can attract to my blog, for the main reason I wanted to blog was to raise awareness of the illnesses.
Yes I have Ulcerative Colitis but I am also ME. There is a lot more too me, I am not defined by my illness. Hopefully there is a bit for everyone.
On the down side, I wish more of you cheeky monkeys would join in. I can see my visitor counter rising though many don't leave any comments.

How do I feel I am doing? - Average? I'm still trying to see what topics are most engaging with everyone. I don't think I have yet insulted anyone which is always a plus and I would like to say I feel I have made new online friends which is a huge bonus.

What does the future hold? - I don't know, hopefully more blogging! That's if my readers want to read more of my woffle. Who knows what the future will bring but I know that when I started my blog I was incredibly miserable and was finding it tough to deal with my Ulcerative Colitis. I had hit a brick wall and was finding it tough, but engaging with people through my blog is not only a distraction it is also a comfort to know I have your support. However, what I do know... is that it's time for a nice hot bath.

8 January 2014

Feeling lucky.

I am aware that from time to time I tend to grumble. I grumble because I feel frustrated and angry that my Ulcerative Colitis is somewhat holding me back from life. I shouldn't grumble though as I feel I am somewhat one of the lucky ones...

Since finding the online Crohn's Disease, Ulcerative Colitis and IBD community I've had the privilege of reading other peoples stories of living with these conditions. I am by far amazed by what some have gone through and have still to face. The resilience and bravery you all show day in day out is like nothing I have seen.

I can see I am one of the 'lucky ones'. I say this as I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis in August 2009 ...and I still have all of my insides. I have had my eyes opened as to how many of you lovely people have had these illnesses for less time than I and yet you are further along the trail than I am. Knowing this does make me feel I have been somewhat spared in terms of pain but I now face the realization of 'how long will my happy existence rein'.

I don't know what on earth I am doing differently than you all to keep my Ulcerative Colitis at bay but I wish I did so that I could share it with you. No comfort to those of you who have already been through so much I know. I hope you wont read this post and feel resentment, I am aware of how 'lucky' I have been. I find comfort in knowing if my illness worsens I will have the support and understanding of such a great online community.

Those of you who have had/have your big surgerys are incredibly strong, inspirational and amazing. You are a group of people who have learnt how to deal with the worst in life and still you all battle through.

Please know that you are the people I cherish, admire and look up to, you have earnt your place in life and are the kind of people who will change the world for the better. You rock!

6 January 2014

Spring cleaning...in January?

My excuse for being so elusive these last few days? I have been spring cleaning...in January!
Yes you did hear me correctly. For the benefit of those who are unfamiliar with the tradition of 'spring cleaning'... it is the spontaneous act of gathering all of the tat and rubbish which accumulates around the home all year round. Then when spring arrives you simply 'fling' it all out!
I am hoping that I wont be thrown out along with the bundle of tat Ha.

When did I acquire so much 'stuff'?!

Having a good clean out is both cleansing and good for the soul. I am also finding it a useful distraction from the good ol' Ulcerative Colitis. It is precious to have time when you simply switch off and think of other things besides all the grumbles that come along side illness. We find ourselves too much of the time wrapped up in all of the 'blah' that life can get away from us.

I really don't know where all of this clutter has come from, though I do know where it is going! :) I am in no way a saint nor do I go out of my way to do charity work (I know I should, but the reality is that most of us simply don't).
I have been a devoted animal lover since I can remember, I had aspirations of being a vet... until I became a vegetarian and the idea of surgery put me off! So I had to think of a new career path...still thinking 18 years on ha! I am donating most of my childhood teddy bears which I have clung onto for years and old clothes to a local animal rescue charity shop (RSPCA). I am aware that they need to raise funds to care for the sick and abandoned animals so I am hoping to give them a bit of a boost!

After having a good old fling how am I feeling? exhilarated, proud, happy and best of all ... clutter free. Along with the bags of items I plan on leaving will be a symbolic bag of emotional 'blah' behind. I feel like I have lifted a huge weight that has been weighing me down. I have wallowed in my own pity and misery for long enough now. New start, new outlook, new confidence, new blog, new friends, new support system.... NEW ME!


4 January 2014

Question!

I'm going to start my post with a simple question ....


Hmmm....
When I think about it I find it a little tricky to think of the correct answer. I would of course, now knowing I have Ulcerative Colitis explore life a little more but I'm sure all of us with Crohn's Disease, Ulcerative Colitis, IBD are all thinking we could have done more 'stuff' which we are these days a little more reserved about throwing ourselves into.

On a deeper level, I'm not too sure what I would tell myself.
To not worry so much? as I seem to be doing plenty of that now.
Have more fun? Hmm I think I did ok.

I think I would tell myself that I am turning out to be a pretty awesome person. That I will be happy with the person I will one day be. I am proud of myself for all I've been through and all that I have achieved.
My journey is only slightly complete and I have a long way left to go in this adventure called life. I shall set more goals for myself and enjoy getting there. Though shalt not grumble or moan...Ha ok maybe I will a little.

So! I am super keen to ask you all ...
'What would you tell your younger self?'

Get involved and leave an array of comments bellow which I always love to read.